Musing

  • The Haves and Have-Nots of Sex

    Ages 18 to 28. It seems no where is separation between the haves and the have-nots any greater. I know a lot of young people who are either in a relationship or who have had practically no significant relationship. I believe that by the late 20′s this separation goes away and while some still have more success with the opposite sex, the difference is much smaller. But for many in their late teens and early twenties it seems a chasm exists.
    I think for boys it is a issue of women wanting older (more experienced and more mature) men. Pity the young man who struggles with a frail frame, acne or simply the lack of confidence associated with virginity. Men at this age are also often lost in terms of a career, a good paying job, and a sense of direction.
    For women I think the issue is more often associated with self esteem, the perfect body, and associated feelings of inadequacy. But again there seems to be a large number of women with virtually no social relationships. Pity the young woman who is slightly overweight or underweight or who doesn’t drink alcohol.
    I see so many young people yearning for meaningful relationships, it makes me wonder if our society just does a poor job of providing ways to meet. Or is it about the expectations we set? What do you think?

  • Tips For CyberSex

    First there are different levels of CyberSex depending on
    what technology you have.  There are
    various chat facilities which also provide voice transmission (or phones may be
    used) as well as webcams. Sometimes it is best to start slow and progress
    through each of these various stages getting more intimate and daring as you
    go.  It is usually a good practice to
    keep your real identity hidden until you become more familiar with the other
    person.

    I think a key to making it work is finding out what excites the other person,
    what they hope to get out of it, and how well suited you are for addressing
    their needs. And vice versa, of course. For example, you may get off on
    listening to a man’s grunting and masturbating on the phone or you may prefer
    to watch him stroke it or neither of these might be your cup of tea but you
    might prefer to be told a story with a particularly nasty fetish. So exploring
    these turn-ons with your partner is both fun and important to achieving your
    desired result. 

    Most people think of cybersex as texting back and forth and
    in the interactive conversation getting each person more and more turned
    on.  This does work and can be very hot
    but is most effective if the two parties already know each other or if at least
    one participant is very experienced and a skilled sexual communicator.  In the early stages of getting to know
    someone this can be a hit or miss proposition and the pressure of trying to get
    the other person turned on can frustrate your own desires.  Sometimes this leads to one partner getting
    their satisfaction and the other going unsatisfied.  Some of this one-sidedness is OK but really
    good CyberSex is committed to both partners satisfaction.

    So here are a few ideas beyond texting that might help you
    develop and understanding of the other person sexual preferences while enjoying
    yourself too.

    If you both share a similar interest in watching porn you can engage in
    simultaneous watching on sites like redtube.com.  Show him your favorite videos and let him show
    you his.  Watch them together and it can
    be fun to share a running commentary about the simulcast show.  As you watch you can share what you find hot
    about it, what ideas and feelings it stirs in you.  With limited pressure to create fantasies or
    conversations from scratch, this can provide good insight into what turns each
    of you on.

    You may engage in a similar joint adventure with an erotic story.  I know mine have been used this way (and with
    excellent results, I’m told).  Reading
    together can have a similar effect to watching a video, especially if you find
    a story that you both enjoy. 
    Occasionally interrupt the reading and comment on anything you find
    particularly arousing. 

    This can also be done viewing pictures
    simultaneously.  You can take any of
    these activities and have one or two partners prepare ahead of time (which can
    be a stimulating warm up).  For example,
    before you meet you each have an assignment to find 15 minutes worth of video
    that you think the other person will like.

    All of these simultaneous activities can be enhanced with
    the use of a phone or VOIP (voice over IP) technology.  Verbal communication is generally much faster
    and more interactive than texting and the subtle moans and verbal expressions
    can be a turn on.  Finally having a
    headset frees your hands which you might find better uses for.

    Speaking of phones, for those who really enjoy listening to
    an orgasm, one trick can be to end your play with a redial to your partner who
    lets your voice go into voice mail where your orgasm can be caught on tape and
    listened to over and over again at any time night or day.  (A security note about phones: understand the
    implications of the other person having caller ID.)

    Another activity includes personal pictures can be taken and
    shared.  And if one likes to be
    submissive or dominant then instructions on how and where the picture should be
    taken might occur.
     
    Using a webcam which can be purchased for as little as $75 (perhaps even less
    today) will introduce a whole new dimension into CyberSexing and a lot of other
    possibilities. With a webcam you can actually watch your partner disrobe, play
    with themselves and reach a happy ending.  I personally prefer it when my partner is shy
    and needs to be coaxed into displaying their charms.  If you are shy and uncertain about how far
    you are willing to go then be honest to those feelings.  You could start by modeling your sexy
    clothes, for example, and changing off camera. 

    If you swing the other way toward the bold, perhaps you
    should take on challenging dares from one another like daring to open the
    blinds while you are dressed in only your underwear.  Or walking past an open window wrapped in a
    towel.  Maybe your partner would like to
    see close ups. 

    If you turn the screen off on your computer but leave your
    computer on with the camera running, you can create a voyeuristic view of your
    home and the activity within for others. 
    This can be especially effective if your computer is located in your
    bedroom and you want to share your experience with a partner or friend with
    others without your partner knowing it.

    Involving your real (versus cyber) partner can also be a
    variation for a threesome or more.  The
    technology is just arriving that allows multiple cameras to conference on one session
    and this can be fun particularly for those who like to perform for a
    crowd. 

    In addition to our most exhibitionist and voyeuristic fantasies,
    CyberSex can be used to play out other fantasies like Domination and Submission
    where one person directs the activity of the other, telling them what to do,
    how long to do it and when to stop.  I’ve
    known some Masters who specialize in directing the activities of couples and
    this can help to spice up a potentially routine marriage or long term
    relationship.

    In short, CyberSex is a technology enabled way of exploring
    many of our deepest fantasies under cover of a secret identity and without the complication
    of physical presence.  Creating an
    identity that is that is impenetrable helps to free the spirit and includes
    having email, messenger, phone numbers, etc. that are all secure.  It is safe sex in the strictest sense.  Whether CyberSex is fantasy or cheating is a
    discussion I will leave to another time.

  • Dear Sex Dude

    Dear Sex Dude,

    My boyfriend wants to be spanked but I’m afraid I will hurt him and I’m not sure how this will turn him on.  He’s even asked my little sister to spank him.  To me spanking is for when people do something wrong and I’m just not sure I can spank him for no reason. What should I do? 

    Spank or Not Spank.

    Dear Spanker,

    I think you should ask you sister to help and have her lie naked on the bed under his naked body while you spank him.  Ask him if he wants to f*** your sister and if he says yes then spank him hard until he gets soft.  Ask your sister to tell you if he is getting a hard on and if she says yes then spank him hard again. If you know the name he was called when he was 8 use it. A couple of hours of this will have him ready for anything you want him to. 

     

    Dear Sex Dude,

    I am a 20 year old virgin off at college.  This year I have decided to end my virginity.  Should I give my virginity to Matt who is very sweet and likes me but who has very little sexual experience too?  Or should I go after Larry who once tried to force himself on me at a party after I had a few drinks.  The thing is that Larry put his hands down my pants at the party and he really knows what he is doing.  I don’t like the guy but he has great fingers.  Who should I let have my virginity?

    Cherry Pop

    Dear Cherry,

    Given a choice is between good sex and bad sex, I would recommend both.  But I might try Matt first since he comes with less baggage.  Just be prepared.  Be prepared for him to have a premature ejaculation, so don’t start too late at night.  After his first ejaculation you need to give him about 10 minutes and then start him up again.  Kiss him where it hurts and it will make it better (and bigger). You might have to soothe his fragile ego a bit but just tell him how big he is.  You then tell him what he should do to you.  Be prepared to be explicit with him.  If all of that just seems like too much work then go with Larry but expect that he is likely to tell everyone on campus since he has no loyalty or relationship with you.

     

    Dear Sex Dude,

    Valentine’s Day is coming up and I want to do something special for my husband.  We have been married for 5 years and sex has become rather routine.  Any suggestions? Looking for New Ideas.

    Dear Looking,

    Maybe you should contact your local escort service and rent a dancing girl for the night or maybe a full body masseuse.  There isn’t anything quite as special as when your woman offers you the pleasure of a second woman.  You decide the boundaries.  She could strip for him or give him an hour of lap dances before you take over for the conclusion.  Or maybe you would like her to give him a massage finishing with a hand job while you whisper bad things in his ear.  The possibilities are endless but the memories guaranteed to last forever.